ME:  Dear Friend,  I was planning to have a knee operation in two weeks time.  I got this problem because of desires and ego, and me being a little  stupid blind foolish ant cannot cure it, no matter how much simran I do.   So I have heard that the pyaray of the guru, the gurmukh  pyare are able to ask guru nanak jee for anything and he fulfills all because he loves them.  Khalsa jee, please do ardas for me so that by   having faith and solid amritvela and gursikh jeevan this problem  dissolves away.

 

I thank Guru jee for this problem, it has saved me from making the same mistake twice or three times of four times, because the pain reminds me what’s in store if I follow my Manmukh mind again.  Guru Nanak Dev ji says

 

“khetia  dukh bukh sad mar. eh bhi daat teree datar”

Countless many suffer hunger and suffering, even this this your gift Lord.

 

                                – Jap Ji.

 

But, I think now is the time to move on, so please mention me for even a  split second in ardas, then the rest of the hard work is upto guru and  me.

 

Thanks, Dhan Guru Nanak, Dhan sadh-sangat, dhan gurmukh pyaray.  

 

  sarab rog aukhad naam…..the cure of all ills is naam

  mera vaid gur govind……God is my doctor

 

  – Guru Arjun Dev ji.

 

 

 

FRIEND:  Please give  detail of what happened with your knee.

 

ME:   twisted it during Gatka last year in USA at Yogi Bhajan’s camp.  Had an operation in Aug 96 to remove torn cartilage, took a few months to get better because of weak muscles and  lack of chardhikalaa, since then I still have alot of scar tissue   floating about which aggravates my knee if I sit cross legged or run and  hurts alot if my muscles get weak.  Doctor wanted to operate.  He took a   scan and showed me the cyst.  When I get better through naam power, I’ll

take another scan proving theres no cyst….sarab rog aukhad naam. Last  week was ‘boosted’ while after amrivela, during sukhmani sahib felt like  I was glowing, all week after amritvela strong feeling came …NO   OPERATION.  As my other knees been operated on too, but still locks  after sitting cross legged  (sports injuries!..and they say fitness is  good for you!)

 

More details…well cause you’re my older sister i’ll tell u, but don’t  pass it on.  Remember my firend who I wanted to marry in 1996…but she backed  off because she didnt want to fight caste (because my parents didn’t like her caste), well its hard to let go of  attachment to maya, so I went to USA on a gatka week mainly because she was  going (so stupid aren’t I!)

 

Then got injured on the second day, plus she  ignored me all week (this is what happens to manmukhs, how did I get into   that mess!)

 

Plus by going that week to USA, I broke my 8 month daily Amritvela simran routine (never missed a day until maya struck)  even after that I  was going to fly off to Paris with her for some yoga weekend (I cant   believe I was so deep in maya!) but I turned my room upside down looking  for my passport, without success.  I found it a week later, Guru ji had hidden it carefully between two booklets!  Saved me.  Any everytime I felt lonely and had some attraction to someone my mind would say ‘get close to them,’  but my knee  would say, “O that’s right cripple one leg and now you want to cripple the  other!”   So I wouldn’t act on the impulse (as you also also recommended).

 

Now my mind is back to, “I dont want nothing from the world, mind body and  soul is Guru’s.  I belong to Guru Gobind Singh ji.  He sacrificed  everything..so why is it so hard to sacrifice an attachment that I haven’t even got?  Now I’ve got an attraction to someone else, but I’m using the  feeling to trigger me to do more simran and paat, and saying to Guru Jee

I will sacrifice the attraction to prove I want you more than that!

 

That is the cycle of my bhagatee, if I look back at the last 10 years  that is the same pattern I go through i.e. :-

 

Get attracted to someone, get emotional, lose worldy love, run to guru.

 

And the more it hurt me to lose the worldy love, the harder and faster I ran to Guru.

 

All these worldy loves are just feelings by the way, not actual   relationships (I’m not that stupid! to act on it – no matter how much I  want to!)  For a few months I felt like a total and utter loser.  My grandad was fuming that I wasn’t married off by now (am 28).  Made me feel old and useless.   (But, Farid Ji says dont be afraid of getting old if you have love for

God).  My parents never seem to talk about anything else, so I dont go home much now – used to go every weekend like a good son!  (Guru Ji says leave parents home and go to our real home –  nij ghar).  Before getting initiate at 18, I fancied/loved (all in my head) someone at college, but because of respect to parents, I decided that I would rather die than hurt them by having a  girlfriend (thought about suicide…wouldn’t like to be a teenager again  thats for sure!)  So ran to God and believed in arranged marriage system.  But it cant introduce me to a person I  would like i.e. religious, nice attractive to me etc, so I give up on arranged marriage.  All they ever do is find people who are going to ruin Sikhi way of life for me (and I’ll ruin their worldy way of life.)

 

I’m so stupid, so I think I’ll find a nice family myself.  So I see someone I like and somehow or the other guru gets close to the family.  I swallow my pride and ask about marriage,  even though their mother calls me “Baba” (to my disliking) and speaks nice.  She says no to marrying her daughter.   Realised that people want a “Baba”  for selfish reasons – for solving their wordly problems.  But, when it comes to giving , no one wants to marry their daughter to “baba.”

 

So I complain to Guru that no one loved me! Now, I’m even more stupid and  my friend says she thought about marrying me, attracted to me etc etc  (find any manmukh love stroy for details) so I believe her and ‘fall in  love’ with the friend above, but in the end she backs off so I lose at that too!

 

Then I give up and stay almost depressed I guess for the last year.  Now going to India and getting pressure from family etc, plus my brother  got engaged then it got broken off I realised this is a load of ****.  A Khalsa only has God above his head and I’m fed up with parents and grandparents pulling me this way and that   NIHANG is free under the One

with the Blue Umbrella (sky).

 

Who needs  I WANT! I WANT! I WANT!   Guru’s sacrificed families , it aint  hard to sacrifice this feeling.  BE a flower, it GIVES love, radiates,  unaffected by someone’s love or anger, people’s respect or hate.  It is just beautiful and gives love and wants nothing…BE A FLOWER – BE A FLOWER – BE A FLOWER

 

Now I’m still attracted to someone else (never ending story! ha ha ),  but  I dont feel like sacrificing another knee by chasing maya.  BE A FLOWER –  BE A FLOWER – BE A FLOWER and the honey bee can come to me.  Khalsa doesn’t chase Maya.

 

I went to all night Simran with Bhai Rama Singh Ji.  Next day  mum said she saw me in a dream  day, said I was riding a horse i.e. chardhikalaa…guess i’ve done   something right.  Plus Mool Manter was really powerful last night.

 

 I have no-one in this world, and I am no-ones, and when I dont do simran I feel lonely.  So I’m doing simran till I meet God and forget I ever existed and there remains only love and light and Guru Nanak jee’s spirit where an ego called Harjit was once.

 

Knee is getting stronger, so is the spirit, so is my longing.

 

FRIEND:   That craving,  It’s a voice and you don’t have to listen to it!  Problem is you are at the age when having family is right for you  so the urges the drives are in high gear.  The voice is * singing *very loudly… hoping you will listen.. What does listening do?  It’s making you miserable.  Don’t listen, just don’t listen.

 

 

ME:   I dont listen and i wont listen.  It only sings loudest when i’m feeling lonely.  My knee hurts most when I’m down.  The problem is loney and being down, the mind thinks the solution is a worldy lover.  Not true.  God is the answer.

 

FRIEND: I was thinking of you just now , before I saw your mail, and how it’s Guru jis hukam that we be householders.  We have to trust in his plan for us.  He’s got something special for you I think.

 

ME:   But the craving in not lust, no that ones been fought pretty much to  death, the craving is for love, companionship.

 

FRIEND: Then don’t be so hard on your self when you get an attraction.  I don’t know how you feel.   Can you have companionship and love without being married, with out lust getting involved.  If so, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to  for sadhsangat to love each other along the paath.

 

ME:   But, there is something else involved too, because Guru never lets his servant have any grief.  The something else is that originally I thought it  was my craving to be with that person, in reality that person is going  through a very difficult time and there ardas has been heard by God and God sends his Sikh to help.    That was true 2 yrs ago, I got attracted to someone and got to know the  family…the son came down with TB in his spine and for a good few months I was close to them.  He’s ok now.  My attraction took me there, I wrongly  thought it was for marriage to his sister.

 

Then last year.  The attraction to the person I wanted to marry in the end but my parents didn’t agree due to caste and she backed off for that reason as well.   I even knew right in the beginning that it was all Maya, but her bhagati is great.  She was going through a hard time with  her parents and exam pressure.  Again I mistook the attraction for marriage. 

 

And just 6 months ago, the attraction was to this current person and to another.   But this time I was wise enough not to act at all, just to ‘feel’ the  attraction.  The other person just happened to start talking to me and  revealed she was feeling suicidal, she wanted to marry someone, but his   father hadnt allowed it.  They (her and her boyfriend) hadn’t spoken for a year but she was still  hanging on to the hope of marrying him.  For about a month i felt her negativty on me and did loads of simran and ardas for her.  She’s ok now and my attraction went.

 

This current person, I couldnt understand why i’ve been attracted to her for so long, yet nothing has materialised .i.e. some problem.  I even told  my sister a month ago, that somethings up, but i havent figured it out yet.   So recently cause I was down I started believing maybe it is  marriage.  It was getting to a peak and Guru jee reveals all in good  time.  Another friend called me and accidently mentioned this person was  going out with so and so…..and the problem….the boys parents don’t  agree to it!………now i understand.    So i’ll carry on sitting tight, my attraction has gone for her, there is no jealousy, no hurt no hate,  just love for one and all.  Guru plays his own game.

 

Thank que very your help.

 

My ajapa jap (continous automatic naam simran) is back with me today.

 

The only thing I dont understand is that if all these attractions are for me to help these people and worldy love is false love……then is it ever in my destiny to get married…….what’s the point?

 

Maybe the other reason I feel like dying is cause I guess I’m jealous, “why couldnt it have been me and her…..instead of him and her!!”

 

 

FRIEND:  It could have been, still can, if *THAT* is what you want.. but *THAT* is not what you want  is it ?

 

You want to be held, cradle rocked in the lap of WAHEGURU WAHEGURU WAHEGURU WAHEGURU WAHEGURU.  You want to be loved by your TRUE LOVER… not a false one..

 

WAH!  Fhan Guru Nanak Nirankar, he reveal himself in his own time and all we can do is sit and wait

paitiently , trustingly, and lovingly and longingly.

 

I love you my beloved one of God.

 

ME:  Before I got religious, I fancied/loved (all in my head) someone at college,  but because of respect to parents rather die than hurt them by having  girlfriend (thought about suicide…wouldnt like to be a teenager again  thats for sure!)  So ran to God.

 

FRIEND: you are quite remarkable I think…

 

ME:   THANX FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT, BUT I DONT THINK ITS REMARKABLE TO ‘DO   NOTHING’  NEVER TO ACT,

 

FRIEND:  It takes more courage not to act!  My friend, mentor, sanga, and I made that a rule for ourselves many years ago,,, *Don’t act! *  What will be will be, if it’s meant to happen it will,  You don’t need to act to make Gods will happen.

 

ME:  NEVER TO SORT MY LIFE OUT , JUST TO WATCH AND  WAIT AND FIGHT THE FEELINGS.  I’VE BEEN FIGHTING FOR 10 YEARS.

 

FRIEND: You are a warrior! Sant-Saphi.  Your life is a battle field for your soul!

 

ME:  AND NEVER   NOTICED THE DAYS FLY BY, NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN PEOPLE ARE WORRIED ABOUT MY   ‘SELL BY DATE.’

 

FRIEND:  Not to worry, You have reached the age of maturity. Really you are just about the perfect age now, in fact you will only get better with age.  That just lets you know your healthy… got news for you … you can be married to the sweetest most devoted women in the world… and it won’t stop the attractions, will just make you feel more guilty….

Enjoy the attractions, its just love, its just longing for WAH! Only don’t take it so seriously.

 

ME:  That statement helped me alot,  thanx…”dont take it seriously!” 

 

FRIEND:  You got to live by it….

 

That craving,It’s a voice and you don’t have to listen to it!  Problem is you are at the age when having family is right for you  so the urges the drives are in high gear.  The voice is * singing *very loudly… hoping you will listen.. what does listening do.it’s making you miserable.  Don’t listen, just don’t listen.

 

I have too much respect for you,  I threw my youth away, wasted it listening to that voice.  And there is never any satisfaction, feeding it only makes it stronger.. stronger, and stronger.

 

Your life  is NOT wasted..

 

 

ME:  Just want to die.

 

FRIEND:   Let the self die…it’s ok,, in fact it the only way to become ONE with waheguru ..Just remember what you said about taking out the enemy.  Now I want to clarify something..

 

 

Dropping your body will not drop the pain…

 

ME:  OK

 

FRIEND:  Face down on the sheets, weeping hotly disparingly, wanting to die, and all went black…………………

there was no longer a body, there was nothing but the pain.  The PAIN did *not* go away by getting away from the body.  The pain was a sickness in my soul..

 

God is the great doctor… He is a heart surgeon, the searcher after hearts, and he has pierced yours with his golden arrow His prem dhey theer – arrow of love – and it is bleeding.   You want to be held, cradle rocked in the lap of WAHEGURU WAHEGURU WAHEGURU WAHEGURU WAHEGURU.  You want to be loved by your TRUE LOVER… not a false one.

 

 

 

[NOTE:  A few months later we had a dream and saw ourself dancing the first dance with our wife at the wedding reception.  We went to India and met our parent’s Sant there who our Dad requested to bless us.  He smiled lovingly and within an hour of leaving the Sant we met an old friend of our mum who new someone and within nine days we were married.  But, before all of that happened, we did our ardas to Guru Ji, “we give up, you want us to get married and we will accept it wherever and whomever you want us to get married to.  For the last twelve years (age 17-29) all I have been trying to do is chase desires and supress desires and have now finally learned to just surrender it up to you Guru ji.   If I try and do it nothing happens.

 

Tu karta karna ma nahee.
Je hau karee na hoee.

You are the Creator and Doer, not ME.

If I tried to do something it doesn’t happen.

 

                                                                                                           -Dhan Guru Nanak Dev ji.  ]